This was the first time I realised just how vital virtual connection really was for my mental health.  I often hear people say that in-person connection is the most important kind of connection. There is this idea that nothing can possibly compare to that. However, I don’t think that’s entirely true. Whilst in-person connection is lovely and wonderful, virtual connection can be just as powerful. Virtual connection was the reason I felt comfortable coming out as queer, it’s how I found my people, it’s how I found my way out of the trauma that had lived around me for years. We can’t knock the fact that social media has the potential to be a very authentic outlet for us, if we use it in a way that works for us. 

In the last year and a half, virtual connections have been extremely meaningful for me. A time of abnormality has created deeper relationships with people that I don’t think would have existed without collective hardship. I think it’s important that, even as the cogs of our lives begin to move again, we remember the genuine moments we’ve had over the frequencies. I don’t want to forget that it’s okay to be open with one another. I like this emotional and vulnerable side to me that I felt comfortable sharing with people online. Social media has given me the opportunity to make new and unexpected friendships, whilst also allowing my current friendships to become deeper. Virtual connection is real connection. 

Don’t get me wrong, social media has a bad reputation for our mental health and that isn’t entirely fabricated. I know lots of people who are coming off it for good, and I understand why. There is so much input all the time, so many highlight reels, and way too much perfection. We can feel like we are always available to people and leaving people on read is now such a faux pas that instant replies are expected. It’s difficult to be completely authentic on social media because we can’t show our entire selves in a bunch of photos or videos once or twice a week. It’s natural to talk about the good times rather than the bad or show your positive days rather than your negative days. So I totally understand why people find social media overwhelming. However, during the pandemic – a time of extreme upheaval – I found myself feeling fonder towards the little grids in my phone. 

As someone who has a big social media platform, I’ve had to teach myself how to be healthy online. I have a lot of rules so that I don’t become completely overwhelmed. For instance, I’m very careful about the content I consume online and I make sure I don’t follow anyone who makes me feel bad about myself. I also make sure that I respond to kind comments rather than hateful ones so that I’m always putting my energy into kind people before anyone else. An online friend taught me to do that. The pandemic was a challenge for me because I used to find it easy to take downtime from social media by just living my ‘in-person’ life. Suddenly, social media was my ‘in-person’ life and it was my main connection to the people outside my home. Finding my community virtually became extremely important. I began to make an effort with people more than I had before, I was more likely to do panel events and talks because they were all over zoom and I could just sit in my house and chat to people. 

Earlier this year, I took part in a virtual panel with the London Queer Fashion Show to talk about queer experiences throughout the pandemic. It was noticeable to me how deep and honest the conversation became quite quickly. Many of us spoke about the transformative experience of connecting with yourself and your community during a difficult time. All of these virtual connections that were being made felt strong and solid. In some ways, I think that a technological barrier can even make it easier to talk freely. Certain social expectations don’t necessarily exist through a computer screen. 

As I look back through my social media messages over the last year and a half, I notice a spontaneity and an openness that I don’t think was there before. I became more likely to ask how someone was feeling or how someone was doing without expecting a superficial answer. We were all telling one another to stay safe at the end of messages and just checking in out of the blue to make sure our mental health was still on track. I started sending people videos that I thought would make them laugh just for the sake of making them laugh. People I hadn’t spoken to in a while would just pop into my head and I would message them without a second thought. There were no expectations, it just felt natural to check in. I know for a fact I wouldn’t have been so honest and open beforehand because I would have felt embarrassed for being sensitive or emotional with people. 

Now, I know that we all got sick of the Zoom quizzes. I think the desperation of wanting to see people may have meant we overdid it. Just a tad. I don’t love that I have a whole bloody folder full of quiz questions that I can whip out at a moment's notice. But on the flipside, I will now FaceTime my best friends spontaneously or just give them a ring for no reason and end up having a lovely conversation. That is another thing I absolutely didn’t used to do. I now speak to one of my best friends every single day, whereas previously we would talk maybe once a week.

People who were originally just mutuals on Instagram and Twitter actually became my friends. I was suddenly more likely to pluck up the courage to be honest with people about wanting to be that genuine friend, rather than trying to play it cool. Before the pandemic, I had been living in London for just under six months and I had slowly been starting to create a queer community for myself. Then, when I felt like I was starting to live my life, we ended up inside. I didn’t want to let those connections go. So, I started messaging people, replying to their stories, and making a genuine effort. I started to find myself getting very excited to open up my phone to a bunch of social media apps and see who had replied to me. I think I’d forgotten the excitement of making new friends, honestly. As an adult, how often do you just put yourself out there with people you want to be friends with? I’m pretty sure the last time I did that was during freshers week at uni. 

Without social media, I don’t think I would have opened any of those doors with people. If I have learned anything, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with going deep with someone quickly. And so, this is a thank you to virtual connection: 

Thank you for bringing me closer to existing friends. 

Thank you for helping me feel brave enough to make new friends. 

Thank you for giving me the space to open up about my mental health. Thank you for giving us the tools to keep communities together.